Manifest

My chiropractor was saying something about manifesting a desired outcome. I didn’t know what to think of the idea. It seemed like nonsense that a particular outcome could be achieved simply by focusing on it. I remember scoffing at the concept, attractive as it may have been. It was 2014 and I had been diagnosed with Ewing Sarcoma for the second time since 2001. I was terrified of losing my arm. I remember trying to imagine life without my dominant appendage. Would I be able to fire a camera, write, or do so many of the things that we take for granted? I fought tears every time I thought about not being able to hug my girlfriend with both arms.

“I thought that I was being strong by focusing on the worst case scenario, but was I actually manifesting a negative future?”

Mind Shift

The concept of manifesting was at odds with my then current strategy. I was trying my best to picture and accept the worst case scenario so that I would be strong enough if and when it unfolded. I thought that I was being strong by focusing on the worst case scenario, but was I actually manifesting a negative future? Good fortune is a lot like having hope. It may take more courage to have hope than to accept the cards we are dealt because by being hopeful we invite the possibility of being let down in the end. At the time, I was receiving chemotherapy. My surgeon told me that there was a 90% chance that I would lose the arm. It seemed the odds were stacked to the point where not accepting them was basically denial. Regardless, I was unable to accept the outcome and began focusing on keeping my arm.

The bag hung over me, dripping chemotherapy that coursed through my veins and ravaged my body as I sat in the chair at my clinic surrounded by other sick people. Game shows, political coverage, soap operas, and more shit daytime programing were screaming over each other in competition from each patients’ television. In the midst of the commotion, I sat and imagined the chemotherapy killing cancer cells. I would literally visualize the cells dying and the lump on my arm becoming smaller and smaller. Every day I would imagine this. After a few weeks of treatment, I returned to Hershey Medical Center. The suspense I felt in the waiting room was always intense. I remember trying to will good news into existence while preparing for the worst; a tricky thing to do.

Good news?

As it tends to be, the news was complicated. My disease was having a favorable reaction to the chemotherapy, but the imaging from the MRI revealed that the shrunken tumor now had a “tail” that was connected to the bone in my arm. I was now less likely to lose my arm, but in order to remove the tumor with negative margins, part of the bone would likely need to be removed as well. The conversation switched to the possibility of a mechanical shoulder. While it sounded like good news that I would be able to keep the arm, it was still not a big difference to me. As my surgeon explained, the mobility of my arm would be almost nonexistent and even grasping with my hand would be limited.

Releasing the Grasp

I returned home and continued my chemotherapy regimen, focused on manifesting the death of cancer cells and the preservation of my arm. My tumor continued to shrink and during one particularly memorable appointment with my surgeon, we were excited to discover that the “tail” had released its grasp on my bone. There was now a small layer of fat between the cancerous mass and my bone. It was unbelievable luck. This turn of events meant the possibility that my surgeon could remove the tumor with negative margins while leaving my bone fully intact.

“I had initially prepared for the worst outcome, but in the end I was able to achieve the best case scenario at every turn.”

Removing a tumor surgically still presented complications. There were nerves surrounding the tumor, the doctor explained, and damaging them would be an almost certain consequence of the tumor’s resection. Days and months after the surgery it seemed that my doctors were in disbelief that I not only had full mobility and strength in my arm, but the use of my fingers and fine motor skills were completely unaffected. I had initially prepared for the worst outcome, but in the end I was able to achieve the best case scenario at every turn.

Eyes on the Prize

Though it may sound like magical thinking, there are practical ways to view manifesting. I believe there is a strong connection between the mind and the body. Practicing a positive mental attitude makes the day-to-day more tolerable while adding more mental strain will likely fuel a disease. There will be those who say that manifesting is irrelevant and that my positive outcome was purely coincidental. While there is no way for me to prove otherwise, it doesn’t matter to me. Patients are not helpless pawns in the healthcare machine. I have helped to create an outcome that should have been impossible. My challenge was navigated with less fear and anxiety than I would have had otherwise. I will always look to this experience as a lesson when I am presented with a situation that seems unsurmountable and I hope that you too can make use of it in moments of uncertainty.